my god what sort of weekend have i had? I'm two weeks away from completing my degree and finishing education for a very long time. the only thing that stands between me and the end to uni life is a 4000 word essay on transition which is in on Friday this week and i haven't started it yet, a 8000 word dissertation which i have started and have around two weeks and finally my evidence files that's in two weeks from now. plenty of time hahaahahah yeah it is loads of time if you can keep you head together but that's not always the cases. you can always rely on something to get you even more stressed out when your peaking as it is and nobody does that better than family.
yeah family is one the most successful ways to stress a person out i think, they just know what buttons to press and when to be absolute pain in the arses.
my weekend was planned, i had moved back into the flat after a month living with my girlfriend house sitting well more of a trial to see how we live together before we move in. to find the flat to be infested with shit, crap, mess and oh yeah mice. nice one the place was awful it was that bad you could smell the mice!! what is it that my housemate cant clean up that they would live in the house in those conditions prepare food in a kitchen that clearly smells wrong and after closer inspection you can see that there are mouse droppings on the work surface. how? why? I'm just struck with shock that people would live like this.
so the sucker i am, i spent about 4 hours cleaning the flat top to bottom went through a bottle of bleach and scrubbed the floors, bath, shower and toilets just totally blasted the place. bear in mind that this is time i should be using to finish my work but no I'm cleaning other peoples mess just so i know that when i make a sandwich i don't catch the plague from the mice droppings on the chopping board. but i find this to sooth me get me in the mood to sit and take part in my work it felt good apart from finding my Dyson hover to be broken, and before you say what a woman the Dyson Hoover is an absolute fantastic design and one my favourite things to look at just genius and 100% British get in!!!.
so I'm sitting in my clean flat no one in and ready to produce the work that will end my time in uni and what happens but it starts to buzz and move yeah the phone and what comes next is just enough family crisis shit that blows you mind because of the selfishness and stupidity of those close to you and all you can do is lose you rag, scream, shout and swear and all for what but to get you so wound up its all you can think off, all you can worry about you mind goes to pot. the details of the argument is not important in fact its something so easily dealt with but blown out of proportion maybe simple words could have dealt with this but instead this is my family where every thing just blows out of control and people get involved and for what, why dose this happen? that's what you ask yourself.
its now Monday iv wasted two nearly three days troubled with this and to finally just try and get my work done feels like such a task the want to start it but the want to just go back to bed and get up tomorrow is unbelievable. if it had been a relationship problem then it would be different but its not I'm not even pissed off about m Dyson that much or the fact that i live in a mouse infested shit hole where my house mates really don't care about the state of the place. no its family, and that kind of aggro is the type that stresses you out more and to get this now this week this month knowing that it all rests on this next two weeks fucks me off, to argue over stupid selfish things.
put me on a plane get the fuck out of this place and do me a favor throw away my fucking mobile phone!!

my own insecurity

iv never thought of myself of having any insecurity, in fact I'm shocked that i ever thought that. if we look at today's environment and how people perceive themselves there is a great focus on the way we look, are we too fat or too skinny?, do we wear the correct cloths or should we be individual?, are we gay, straight or bi? well its a pretty fucked up world and these insecurities are evident everywhere. in fact i was home visiting my family very recently and while throwing my little niece around giving her tickles and blowing raspberries on her belly, u know the sort a thing a soft uncle would do. i called her chubby monkey only to get a discerning look off her mother, my sister. what i asked and can you believe this i had to be careful what i said because my 2 year old niece thinks shes fat!!!!. what the hell is going on, i pulled my mother and my sisters aside at this point to view my concern that at an unbelievable young age this was coming out her mouth never mind the fact that she was worried, a 2 year worried!!!! what should they be worried about???!!!
after thinking about this it is so possible that she can think this way, every where you look today you find something concerning the state of the body and diets, woman are obsessed with diets they talk about this day in day out what kind there on, what works, how much they have lost its possible that this topic could be 70% of what they actually talk about. you turn on the the telly and its in commercials, soaps, dramas, comedies, films, reality programs and documentaries. you open a magazine its there again, commercials, articles and advice. its every where!!!!
i agree in the whole healthy eating but what is actually being done here is brain washing on a mass scale, its now part of every thing we take in and we really don't see it until you wake one morning and you 5 year daughter or son turns to you at the breakfast table and says "ill just have a rivita mum I'm watching my weight".
now iv never had a problem with my weight, I'm not fat but i get told on a very regular basis that i need to put weight on, iv been the same weight for the best part 10 years. I'm not overly skinny my weight fits my frame and to be honest it pisses me off more than makes me feel concerned. no to i have no in securities would be wrong as iv found out, my biggest insecurity is believing that my bubble will burst and that i will lose everything so very easily. this is a very weird feeling and i cant really understand why i feel this. it starts with uni, i always felt that at some point some one was going to call me up and say there was a mistake and that i should not be there this has made me very nervous abut my work although I'm seen to be very confident. the other is my relationship. I'm possibly in the best relationship iv ever been in or ever will be in, my love with out sounding soppy is immense but i have this felling that she will soon go, leave me find something about me that she wont want. well what do i have to hide, the answer to that is nothing she can know all she wants but she has to ask. as you know from earlier I'm always very honest with her but i do find this very hard. she doesn't pry but she dose ask question in a way that always makes me nervous and i don't know why this is, it makes me feel guilty but i have nothing to be guilty for.
where do these insecurities come from? are they put there do think or maybe they grow through life's experiences. i think both, healthy are the ones that come through life but maybe the ones that are put there by the third person are to be destructive.